~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes me sad isn't that I have no motivation, no determination and no drive.
What makes me sad is that I'm smart enough to see where it will get me: nowhere. I know exactly how this is going end up - but again, I don't have the motivation to change it.
--
What makes me angry isn't that I am going to live my life alone.
...
What makes me angry is that I actually think I deserve someone to hold me tight and whisper, 'It's okay, I love you anyway.'
--
I steer my own destiny, I make my own fate.
I just can't be fucked to take the wheel.
I'm driving headlong over the edge of a fucking bridge, and for some reason, it's not urgent enough for me to give a damn and do something about it.
--
Overly personal post is overly personal. And on Facebook. Whutiswrongwithmyhead.
I know exactly why I can't do anything about myself: I have no motivation. Still, I'm shocked that I've turned out like this. I'm not going to lie, I have great genetics. My parents are amazing, both my brothers are amazing. Then there's me.
Sorry to post this on facebook. I just have this fucked up need to have my words be read by someone. And yes, what it comes down to is that I want someone to understand. The fact of the matter is though: I live a blessed life. I don't want anyone to understand me, because then, someone who legitimately has a cry for help that NEEDS to be heard, might not be getting the listener that they need.
What makes me sad is that I'm smart enough to see where it will get me: nowhere. I know exactly how this is going end up - but again, I don't have the motivation to change it.
--
What makes me angry isn't that I am going to live my life alone.
...
What makes me angry is that I actually think I deserve someone to hold me tight and whisper, 'It's okay, I love you anyway.'
--
I steer my own destiny, I make my own fate.
I just can't be fucked to take the wheel.
I'm driving headlong over the edge of a fucking bridge, and for some reason, it's not urgent enough for me to give a damn and do something about it.
--
Overly personal post is overly personal. And on Facebook. Whutiswrongwithmyhead.
I know exactly why I can't do anything about myself: I have no motivation. Still, I'm shocked that I've turned out like this. I'm not going to lie, I have great genetics. My parents are amazing, both my brothers are amazing. Then there's me.
Sorry to post this on facebook. I just have this fucked up need to have my words be read by someone. And yes, what it comes down to is that I want someone to understand. The fact of the matter is though: I live a blessed life. I don't want anyone to understand me, because then, someone who legitimately has a cry for help that NEEDS to be heard, might not be getting the listener that they need.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Good god, why do I post this shit online?
I hope no one actually reads my bollocks. -_-
I feel pretty similar to this alot of the time. Like I know what I can, and should, do but I just don't because I am a lazy no-lifer no-motivation teenage girl who is always tired because I don't exercise enough. Yet I am still lonely, but feel guilty for complaining as I know there are others who have it WAYYY tougher than I!
ReplyDeletePrecisely! Guuuh~ we'll work it out some day, Emma!
DeleteMotivation is a tricky thing. How do you define motivation?
ReplyDeleteIs motivation getting up in the morning to jog? Or would it better be described as the will to drive yourself to reach your goals?
It's a tricky thing, and it's different for every person. So don't worry if you haven't found the balance yet - go at your own pace
I gave a lot of thought to that recently, and I realised that I don't care what I end up as in the future. As long as I have fun along the way. I'm perfectly content to spend my life living in a caravan, writing novels and working part-time jobs for the rest of my days. As long as I'm content.
Belle, you deserve someone to hold you tight. You'll find someone out there, somewhere, someday, who'll do just that, and you'll do it for them too.
There was a period of time in my life where I lost faith in true love. I resigned myself to a fate of fickle affections and inevitable grief.
But then I decided to screw it. Screw it all. When I want a boyfriend, I'll have a boyfriend. And we'll cuddle on the sofa, and feed each other marshmellows. True love is such an idealised concept that we forget what's important in a relationship - companionship.
I'm not looking for a handsome, dashing fellow who'll catch my eye from the side of a darkly lit room. I'm not looking for an instant spark of attraction, and I'm not looking for something as solidified as marriage.
I just want someone who'll stay with me as I'll stay with him, someone who I can grow old together with, someone with whom every day is a new day, bringing with it new desires and new prospects. Love should never grow old. When I'm 50, I want him to pick wildflowers for me and put them in my hair.
Everyone in school is fawning over their 'crushes', texting them 'sexy' and 'babe' - love runs so much deeper than lust. Choosing between 'lust' and 'companionship' in a relationship, I would definitely choose the latter. And yet we're surely still too young to fully comprehend 'love'.
Perhaps I was afraid that I wouldn't ever 'fall' for someone, that I wouldn't ever experience feelings any more substantial than that of friendly compassions.
But yeah, I said to hell with it. I'll grow to love someone, because like I said, I'm not in love for the physical affections, I'd much rather love someone for who they are - their wit, their kindness. So ha. Take that, world!
Crap, that was a rather long spiel. But I guess what I'm saying is don't look too deeply into your feelings now. We're still experimenting with the world - we have the rest of our lives to do that and if you think about it, it wasn't that long ago that we were crawling on our knees and dribbling all over ourselves. You don't have to take the wheel. You could just go along for the ride, and lazily make a few corrections if you're getting too far off track. (Unless you have a 4x4, then you'll be fine).
DeletePfft, I suck at touchy-feely stuff. I can't get my point across very clearly. Everyone feels these things, Belle. Sometimes we just don't express them out loud. Me? I prefer to work it out logically. Logically, why aren't I taking that wheel? Is it because I'm too lazy, or is there a deeper, psychological reason for it that I'm inventing an excuse for. Well, that seems pretty deep but it's usually pretty simple. After all - it's your own head. Sometimes I feel like that because life itself can seem so daunting. Sometimes it's because I feel snowed down with school and personal issues that I can't move forward past that point. Embarrassingly enough, I can't count all the times I felt like giving up on schoolwork, and giving up on friendships. At times they take so much effort to maintain.
Maybe you should just ignore me. It's late, I'm tired and I'm rambling. Talk to you in the morning sweetie. Things often look better in the light of a new day.
~Alex xxx
You made me cry. Oh god, Alex, if I were any more pathetic I'd be sobbing like a goddamn baby.
DeleteMore than love, I just want someone who totally understands me. ^^; A warm body to snuggle with at night would be a great bonus, though.
Never stop being amazing, hun. Your words may very well be the late night ramblings of a writer, but trust me, they are a writer's best ramblings. <3
Thankyou. Thankyou so much for being you. <3
Neh, I think I'm gonna cry now too...(TT^TT)
DeleteI know exactly what you mean. Snuggles are a plus too. ^^
Aw, thanks Belle! <3
You always make me speechless when you make those posts that almost 100% mirrors my thoughts... ==
ReplyDeleteThe differences are just;
You are a much better writer and user of words than me.
What make me sad IS that I have no motivation.
I don't think I deserve to be hold by someone, and I don't really want to... (at the moment)
And, yes, the great genetics. My parents and oniisama are too overwhelming. (...saying that makes me want to talk to oniisama~ ...Tch. If only I could.)
Well, there we have it, Mage-chan. You're most certainly not alone in this, and from most of the other comments i get on these sorts of posts, it's not just you and me, either.
DeleteOur differences aren't that we have differing abilities as writers. You are a fabulous writer - our only difference in that regard is that English is your second language, and you STILL rock the world with your words. <3
Amazing families are depressing things to have, aren't they? I spend my life being compared to my brothers, being told that i am, in fact more intelligent than them — i just don't have to motivation to show it. ^^ Man, my parents must be so dissappointed in me.
I don't ever get compared to anyone-- well, okay, that's a lie. But it's usually not in the academic direction whenever my mum compares me to my friends. (posture [grr, this one is so annoying since I've been hearing it for a thousand times already], my... fashion sense, my... lifestyle -_-||)
DeleteBut my mum is convinced that I am great. But I am so not convinced.
Something is wrong with me, I just know it. So many evidences are pointing to the fact that I am smart, yet I still refuse to accept it. There are evidences pointing to the fact that I am quite a good writer, yet I still refuse to accept it. This 'modesty curse' of mine [I mentioned it in one of my posts, so you might not know what I'm talking about. Here: http://the-blog-of-complaints.blogspot.com.au/2012/07/something-that-runs-continuously-on.html) can become quite annoying - I feel like I've been brainwashed... ==